I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
