can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
