when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
