there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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