Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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