Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
