maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
