Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
