I'm pants shitting drunk right now
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
