My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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