well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
