a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
