chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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