Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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