if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
