woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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