So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Someone came in the potted fern
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
