hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
