Can i not drive my cunt home
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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