this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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