At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Randomize
