He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Randomize
