I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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