You kept calling me your small dog last night.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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