So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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