I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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