I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
i out mim tonsoeep
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
