I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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