im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
