I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
