Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I am one with the molecules
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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