shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Randomize
