mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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