He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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