Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
