My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
