FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
