Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
