You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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