Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
