it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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