i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize