sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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