My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize