she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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