Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
