that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
