dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize