I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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