if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
