I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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