i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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