My ATM looks so different sober.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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