I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
