I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
