just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
