he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
