I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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