: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
