I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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