wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
