I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
