I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
