Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
