I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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