gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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