so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
